As of today, it's been 7 days. I had the surgery one week ago yesterday. My incisions are swollen and i'm in some pain but i'm not taking any medicine for the pain now. The liquid Ibuprofen tastes terrible - i'd rather be in a little pain.
It was my first day back at work. I was grumpy with the kids most of the day. I don't know if it was because of discomfort or because they were all so horrible for the sub while i was gone! Maybe a little of both.
I did well at school - eating wise. But once i was home! Oh my...cream of wheat, bread and oil, some spaghetti and a bite of meatball, ice cream, water...i guess that's it. Not very good but I could have done worse. I suppose i have to quit kicking myself. Focus on the fact i've lost 7 pounds - a pound per day! And plan on doing better tomorrow.
I keep waiting for next Tuesday when i can eat semi-solid foods - as if i'm not doing it already now! I do those stupid things and THEN think about that band moving and causing major problems. It's hard to keep that in the forefront of my mind. I suppose that's all part of changing my habits. These cravings for pizza, boneless lemon pepper medium wings from Buffalo Wings and Rings, Captain D's GIANT fish sandwich..and numerous other things...will subside eventually. Sometimes i worry they won't and I have to remind myself i'm just at the beginning of this long process. I have band fillings to go through after i get adjusted to having it at all. This whole life change is overwhelming when i stop and think about it and frightening. There have been moments when I've wanted to just give up and have it taken out. But those moments are brief.
It's after 10 and I should be in bed. Hopefully, for the kids, i'll be in better humor tomorrow. Maybe I'll suffer through a dose of liquid Ibuprofen for the sake of the future of America. Probably not...
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
First Night On My Own
This morning I was allowed to take out the pain medicine pump and be completely mobile and free. I'm sore! And I'm hungry! Some things sound GREAT; some things sound horrible or just plain not appealing.
The weirdest thing is Coke. I thought that would be the toughest thing to give up. But it won't be too difficult because it tastes AWFUL now. You know when you go somewhere to get a fountain Coke and the carbonation is out? Yeah..that's what it tastes like to me now. Yuck and oh man!
What i've eaten on my "liquid" diet...
...I've sucked on Chex mix because i was dying for something that wasn't sweet.
...pureed canned peaches - yummm.
...cream of wheat with a little extra water in it and brown sugar.
...water.
...hot and sour soup from Green Bamboo - which is sooo yummy - but did not sit well. I think it was too spicy and upset my tummy a little.
...Breyers coffee ice cream
...liquid ibuprofen with a brown sugar chaser.
...Schmuckers natural peanut butter - a spoon full which i ate very slowly.
What I WANT to eat RIGHT NOW
...macaroni and ketchup
...soft french bread with olive oil.
...one of those new Domino's sandwiches with feta cheese. i don't know what else is on that sandwich but they say feta and I'm salivating.
I could sit and brainstorm things that sounds good and I would want to eat but those above are the things that are on my mind RIGHT NOW. I want them TODAY. We'll see if i can get through the night.
...
The weirdest thing is Coke. I thought that would be the toughest thing to give up. But it won't be too difficult because it tastes AWFUL now. You know when you go somewhere to get a fountain Coke and the carbonation is out? Yeah..that's what it tastes like to me now. Yuck and oh man!
What i've eaten on my "liquid" diet...
...I've sucked on Chex mix because i was dying for something that wasn't sweet.
...pureed canned peaches - yummm.
...cream of wheat with a little extra water in it and brown sugar.
...water.
...hot and sour soup from Green Bamboo - which is sooo yummy - but did not sit well. I think it was too spicy and upset my tummy a little.
...Breyers coffee ice cream
...liquid ibuprofen with a brown sugar chaser.
...Schmuckers natural peanut butter - a spoon full which i ate very slowly.
What I WANT to eat RIGHT NOW
...macaroni and ketchup
...soft french bread with olive oil.
...one of those new Domino's sandwiches with feta cheese. i don't know what else is on that sandwich but they say feta and I'm salivating.
I could sit and brainstorm things that sounds good and I would want to eat but those above are the things that are on my mind RIGHT NOW. I want them TODAY. We'll see if i can get through the night.
...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Two Days After
As of today it's been two days since the surgery. The night in the hospital was quite terrifying only because I could get no one's attention after my blood pressure was through the roof! Of course I knew that would make the blood pressure go higher so I tried to calm down. They eventually gave me some medicine for it. It went down almost immediately. Geez...it was scary for a little while there.
Otherwise, all is going fine, i suppose. I'm living on liquids and very runny cream of wheat -which doesn't sounds good but is. I'm also enjoying my mom's creamy chicken noodle soup without the noodles. Nothing solid is supposed to go past the band! But it has. There were a few chunks of noodle i missed but I chewed them up as best I could.
I've lost almost 2 pounds so far - since Monday.
I'm very tired from the pain medicine but get to take the "On Q" bulb and tubes out tomorrow. I'll be thankful for that because then i can drive, go home, get really comfortable. It's very nice to be here with mom and be waited on, but my bed is so much more comfortable and i kind of just want to be alone.
This is one of those - i knew it would be huge but didn't fully comprehend - kind of things. I'm not even sure I want/can go back to work on Monday. I feel like such a wimp but if I'm not much better than this on Monday, I should stay in bed! And then a part of me things - once this pain medicine ball is out, things will be completely different. Completely!
We'll see...
Otherwise, all is going fine, i suppose. I'm living on liquids and very runny cream of wheat -which doesn't sounds good but is. I'm also enjoying my mom's creamy chicken noodle soup without the noodles. Nothing solid is supposed to go past the band! But it has. There were a few chunks of noodle i missed but I chewed them up as best I could.
I've lost almost 2 pounds so far - since Monday.
I'm very tired from the pain medicine but get to take the "On Q" bulb and tubes out tomorrow. I'll be thankful for that because then i can drive, go home, get really comfortable. It's very nice to be here with mom and be waited on, but my bed is so much more comfortable and i kind of just want to be alone.
This is one of those - i knew it would be huge but didn't fully comprehend - kind of things. I'm not even sure I want/can go back to work on Monday. I feel like such a wimp but if I'm not much better than this on Monday, I should stay in bed! And then a part of me things - once this pain medicine ball is out, things will be completely different. Completely!
We'll see...
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
In One Week
One week from today I will have had surgery. SURGERY - elective surgery. Surgery completely by my choice. What the hell? I've been working on this surgery - getting approval, seeing all the right doctors - since December. And now it's finally here and I'm not feeling what I thought I'd be feeling.
I thought I'd be gung-ho and ready to make this life change. I thought I'd be completely excited and not nervous at all - I've been through enough crap at hospitals to not be afraid of complications.
I'm having the lap band procedure done. They're going to put a band around the top of my stomach so that i can't eat all that I want all the time. It's a good plan. I AM morbidly obese according to the charts. I'm 5'4'' and well over 200 pounds. Something needs to be done, something must be done. I'm unhappy with myself and can't even look at myself in a mirror. Seriously...i can't stand it. I'm grotesque.
I suppose the biggest "thing" to overcome is other people. How fast am i going to lose weight? will they notice? what will they say? when they find out how i did it what will they think? I obviously worry too much about "them" and I'm hoping that when it actually comes down to it, i won't care because I'll be so excited and energetic. I've thought of ways to make sure it stays focused on ME - MY accomplishment for MYself. I'm going to set goals and rewards. I'm going to look for visuals to help me remember how much weight is lost - five pounds of fat, five pounds of meat. If you look at five pounds of meat, don't you wonder where the heck you put all that fat on your body? Fat MUST be much more dense than ground beef. But I think the visuals will help. I do, i really do.
And so I'm preparing mentally and physically for this change. I'm eating everything yummy i can think of - even if it's just a bite - I'm eating it as a final farewell. I'll be able to eat good things later but it won't be for many weeks after I'm off the all liquid and then mushy food weeks.
Sunday clear liquids, Monday i cleanse the bowels - ick - and Tuesday I go in. Wish me luck!
I thought I'd be gung-ho and ready to make this life change. I thought I'd be completely excited and not nervous at all - I've been through enough crap at hospitals to not be afraid of complications.
I'm having the lap band procedure done. They're going to put a band around the top of my stomach so that i can't eat all that I want all the time. It's a good plan. I AM morbidly obese according to the charts. I'm 5'4'' and well over 200 pounds. Something needs to be done, something must be done. I'm unhappy with myself and can't even look at myself in a mirror. Seriously...i can't stand it. I'm grotesque.
I suppose the biggest "thing" to overcome is other people. How fast am i going to lose weight? will they notice? what will they say? when they find out how i did it what will they think? I obviously worry too much about "them" and I'm hoping that when it actually comes down to it, i won't care because I'll be so excited and energetic. I've thought of ways to make sure it stays focused on ME - MY accomplishment for MYself. I'm going to set goals and rewards. I'm going to look for visuals to help me remember how much weight is lost - five pounds of fat, five pounds of meat. If you look at five pounds of meat, don't you wonder where the heck you put all that fat on your body? Fat MUST be much more dense than ground beef. But I think the visuals will help. I do, i really do.
And so I'm preparing mentally and physically for this change. I'm eating everything yummy i can think of - even if it's just a bite - I'm eating it as a final farewell. I'll be able to eat good things later but it won't be for many weeks after I'm off the all liquid and then mushy food weeks.
Sunday clear liquids, Monday i cleanse the bowels - ick - and Tuesday I go in. Wish me luck!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thinking too much
I suppose our days are only as significant as we make them, right? I mean, it's my choice to look at these things i see today and find sadness in them or view them as symbols of the past or of growth, right?
So, today when i traded in my 1998 Avalon i had inherited from my mom I shouldn't think about the fact that it was the car my dad bought for her when he found out he was dying and he wanted her to have something reliable, luxurious and with all the buttons - which is what she had always wanted. I should be happy about the BRIGHT RED 06 Matrix I now own. I just can't do it right now though. I almost started crying as i agreed to the deal with Chuck the car salesman. I wasn't sure if my hesitation was about going into debt or about giving up one more part of that time that Dad was with us. I suppose it was more the latter.
Then I was making a pie - chocolate chip pie, one of our favorites - and I got out my handmixer. While i was mixing the eggs until they turned foamy i remembered where I got the mixer - from a friend at my wedding. My wedding, which was 16 years ago. Another weight of emotions hit me and I feel like a failure and stupid and lonely and ridiculous because what i'm really doing is fixing a dessert to go with a meal that i'm fixing for another "nice guy" that will end up not sticking around by my choice or his. And I try not to go in that directions with my thoughts because i know I KNOW i have control over this but it just sucks. It sucks that I even have that direction to go. This wasn't suppose to be how things turned out. AND - BY GOD - I SHOULD HAVE A FRICKIN' KITCHEN AID STAND MIXER! DAMMIT!
I suppose I need that medicine i didn't take yesterday or today. OR start drinking...both sound like a fine idea.
So, today when i traded in my 1998 Avalon i had inherited from my mom I shouldn't think about the fact that it was the car my dad bought for her when he found out he was dying and he wanted her to have something reliable, luxurious and with all the buttons - which is what she had always wanted. I should be happy about the BRIGHT RED 06 Matrix I now own. I just can't do it right now though. I almost started crying as i agreed to the deal with Chuck the car salesman. I wasn't sure if my hesitation was about going into debt or about giving up one more part of that time that Dad was with us. I suppose it was more the latter.
Then I was making a pie - chocolate chip pie, one of our favorites - and I got out my handmixer. While i was mixing the eggs until they turned foamy i remembered where I got the mixer - from a friend at my wedding. My wedding, which was 16 years ago. Another weight of emotions hit me and I feel like a failure and stupid and lonely and ridiculous because what i'm really doing is fixing a dessert to go with a meal that i'm fixing for another "nice guy" that will end up not sticking around by my choice or his. And I try not to go in that directions with my thoughts because i know I KNOW i have control over this but it just sucks. It sucks that I even have that direction to go. This wasn't suppose to be how things turned out. AND - BY GOD - I SHOULD HAVE A FRICKIN' KITCHEN AID STAND MIXER! DAMMIT!
I suppose I need that medicine i didn't take yesterday or today. OR start drinking...both sound like a fine idea.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Eastern Kentucky Revisited
View from our room
Originally uploaded by Lollie
I was always proud that Jack would have the Eastern Kentucky heritage that he has. I always wanted him to know his family there and his father has done a good job of keeping him connected. One way he's done this is by paying for Jack to have a cell phone and he programed his parents number in there for Jack to call anytime he wants. And Jack calls.
One day he handed the phone to me and told me to talk to Mamaw - my former mother-in-law. *sigh* I tried to get out of it but with the phone right there in my face, it was difficult. We chatted for a bit and she told us we should come visit. The truth was I had been thinking about it because there is a beautiful state park close by. Jack and I could visit them and stay at the park a few days and relax by the pool. And so it was planned. We were to go visit my former in-laws - more importantly, Jack's grandparents.
I was determined to enjoy my time there, act comfortable and appeciate the time with Jack's grandparents.
The last time I saw them was when I went to pick up Jack from a family gathering Memorial Day, May 2003. The Ass had had an accident in his truck with Jack in the car - IDIOT! He was going too fast, not paying attention, didn't have insurance and the truck was in MY name. It was a mess. He called me and I said i was on my way to get them. I ended up just taking Jack home and leaving The Ass to find his own frickin way home. His parents drove him to E'town, which was a big deal for them.
Soooo...i didn't know how it would go.
We had a great time! The mother-in-law made the comment that it was like I had been there every day. I thought that was very sweet. And it was wonderful to see them with their grandson, who they are so proud of. We talked about him and how well he's doing in school and just how great he is in general. The Ass and The Tattooed Lady didn't really come up in conversation. And it wasn't an awkward absence, the conversation just didn't go there.
On the one hand, it's no big deal - they're Jack's grandparents, I'm an adult, you do what's best for the child. But on the other hand, seeing ex in-laws can be weird and can bring up a lot of feelings that I'd forgotten or tried to forget.
It's incredible how after 6 years of not seeing a place how quickly memories come back that hadn't come to mind once over those six years. As I drove around the town The Ass grew up in and up the hollows and around where we had driven so many times together flashes of happier times came to mind and some difficult times too, of course. But I was able to take it all in and appreciate the moment for what it was - mother and son visiting family in the beautiful hills of Eastern Kentucky.
The mailbox and flowers - both of which i planted!
The mailbox and flowers - both of which i planted!
Originally uploaded by Lollie
This is one of my accomplishments for the summer - isn't it lovely?! I had a long list of goals for my summer break and a new mailbox for my new house was one of them.
I had to buy, mix and pour cement! I know BUYING cement doesn't sound like a big deal but it IS! Buying an 80 pound bag of cement is difficult. I stood in the Lowes store looking at the cement trying to figure out how the heck to pick up 80 pounds. NO ONE asked if i needed help! Even when i checked out, no one asked if needed help. It was 80 frickin' pounds!
I eventually got it home and mixed it in my lovely Mother's Day wagon and poured in the hole i dug. I used my level to ensure it was straight. I did it all! I even had to buy a ratchet set!
Then, to top it off, i planted all pink flowers around the bottom. Since this photo, they've filled out and are much happier. I love it. Mostly, i'm proud of myself. I did it all by myself and I did well. GO ME!
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