GOOD HIT!

GOOD HIT! made it to third on that one!
Originally uploaded by Lollie

Hopefully with this hit and all the changes that spring brings, things will be off to a better start. There's been many false starts in the last few months, a lot of treading water and getting no where, and now i'm back in control and anxious for summer.

This is one of the first summers in a long time I have nothing huge planned. No writing camp, no trips, no house buying...just me and Jack and Daisy quietly spending the summer. I have some professional goals I need to attend to and plans to have cookouts but those are little things.

For today i have no desire to seek out love. Of course..next week that could/will change but right now i feel good about it. I'm still far too worried about needing too much and giving too much. What i need is to be comfortable and i'm not comfortable anymore.

And so, spring is our rebirth. We're setting the reset button and getting back on the path. We'll see how long it takes me to veer off again.

I had forgotten how it felt

I had a dream last night. An amazing dream. A dream i have played over and over in my head all day long. I even tried to fall asleep at my desk after school hoping to start it again. It didn't happen but I still remember the feeling of that dream.
I felt loved.
It was incredible! I don't think I loved him but he loved me and wanted to be someone worthy of me and it was something i hadn't felt in so long that i didn't think it possible again.
The dream began when I was having to deliver something or go somewhere and then walked to work. I worked in a very strange, cool grocery store with other ladies about my age but i was younger than i am now. My boss was a black man who was rather strict - i don't know why.
As i'm walking to work, a guy came up to me and started talking to me. He was very tall, handsome, bald, had lots of personality and kept trying to make me laugh. At the time, in the dream, i didn't know what it was but I knew he wasn't the guy for me. I was attracted to him but he didn't seem serious enough for me, too flirty. I turned him down but he kept following me and even came into the grocery store where i worked. I stood my ground and he left.
In the dream time passed and it was shown like on a TV show or something. It showed the grocery store changing into other business adventures for the owner. I remember one being some sort of asian food restaurant. Anyway...then it changed to me in my mother's home. She was having a dinner party. When i arrived she started telling me about the people who were there but she was particularly intrigued with one guy who had talked to her for awhile. He had come with someone so my mother didn't know him. She told me about this man and his battle with alcoholism and how well he was doing and how he turned his life around and was ready to love this woman he had met a few years before. She didn't know at the time, and of course i didn't either. But when he walked in, it was the guy who had stopped me on the street and I was the woman he wanted to love.
It was the purest feeling for a man i've ever felt in my whole life. I wasn't suspicious. I wasn't worried. I was just warm and happy and willing. I had forgotten how it felt. I had forgotten what it felt like before i had been hurt. If that's what i'll find when i let my guard down i might be able to do it.

Three Coons and a Henson

Three Coons and a Henson again
Originally uploaded by Lollie

This past weekend I took Jack camping for the first time. He loved it! I don't know if it was the camping experience he loved or if it was being with Kevin and the other Coons that made it so wonderful but it was wonderful nonetheless.

As summer closes, the year goes on and annual milestones come and go, I miss Karen more and more. I like to think I do stuff with the Coons because i want to help or relieve some of Kyle's load but in truth, it's all for me. I love being with the kids and Kyle and feeling somewhat connected to Karen. The past few weeks have been particularly lonely without her - going out to dinner and a movie, even if we didn't talk about anything significant, helped me to feel more solid and centered. So, i don't know if being so busy with the preparation and organization of camping and the kids made this weekend helpful to me or if hearing and seeing Karen through her kids is what made the weekend special to me. But it was, it was a good weekend.

The first night, the kids were tucked away in the tents and Kyle and I sat around the fire with the large group and talked. We were talking some about their neighbors - there's one who is particularly batty. She had recently called Kyle to complain about what another neighbor had said about her son. My first thought was - yup! just what Karen had to deal with from her. And Kyle went on to say how he didn't know what to tell her; he didn't want to get involved. And then she said that Kyle just didn't understand how difficult this summer had been without Karen. WHAT?! Yeah...Kyle politely said he had to go and hung up. I don't exactly know what she was thinking.

I don't know where i'm going with this. I don't know why in my head all of this is connected. I realize it's sometimes hard to see past your selfishness and be completely compassionate. This neighbor obviously can't. I'm wondering if it's even possible. The things we do for those grieving are so often for ourselves; it makes us feel like we're doing something. And having been on the receiving end of those gestures, it's those who are in mourning who might be the most generous and the most compassionate. They accept the help offered because they know people just need to feel like they're doing something to help. They smile politely when people say or do ridiculous things with no regard for your feelings. They write thank you notes for crappy gifts like ceramic angels with American flags and plansts sprouting out of it. Kyle's the one who, when i went through the line at the visitation, hugged me and sobbed with me and mourned with me because he knew i was going to be lost too with out Karen.

I suppose what i truly feel - and i rarely know where i'm going until i spill my guts - is a great appreciation for Kyle and his ability to allow me and Jack to visit and absorb Karen's spirit and the love and friendship that's still there.

Jack and I are very fortunate in that we will always have The Coons.

Interesting Viewing

I am sad and frustrated with all this political stuff. I see all these statistics and numbers and Congress isn't doing anything WE want them to do. And now they're in the process of passing this bailout which - before the vote last night - a majority of Americans didn't want! WE DIDN'T WANT IT!

They think we're stupid - Feinstein basically said her constituents didn't know what they were talking about when they were against the bailout. 85,000 people called her to tell her not to support the bailout! That's how they, Congress, views us - as simpletons who need to be fixed by them.

You know! When i went to the bank (this past May) and told them i wanted to spend NO MORE than $130,000 on a house they told me - HECK! We'll approve you for twice that! My response was ARE YOU INSANE?! I would not have been able to eat, put gas in my car, feed the dog or buy a frickin' drink in which to drown my sorrows! What the hell were the banks thinking?

I've actually been watched CSPAN and reading the news and listening to my Talk Radio to try to understand why this is happening, what's going on and who the heck supports this crap. Americans have backed down. It's going The House. I'm sad and frustrated.

Watch the entire, long video. Very interesting.

Lou Gehrig and Family Secrets

This week the third grade stresses in our household have taken the form of a reading project. Jack was to pick a story they had read in their book - any story they liked! - and do a project that required related readings for research. Jack chose the story they read about Lou Gehrig. I'm sure it piqued Jack's interest for two reasons - he played baseball and died of a horrible disease! What curious 3rd grader would pass that up! I bet Ms. Helton has no idea all the Lou Gehrig projects coming her way!


So, what to do about Lou and his life? Jack (I) decided it would be cool to do a giant baseball card. You know, picture on the front, facts/stats on the back. Isn't he brilliant? So creative... It was approved by the teacher and so we've been working on it - first over the weekend and then last night.


We were reading a book he had checked out from the library and when we came to the expected sad ending Jack turns to me and says, "I hope I never died of some weird muscle disease or anyone i know!" Don't get me wrong, the interesting coincidence had crossed my mind...my being diagnosed with MS a long time ago and Lou Gehrig dying of the accelerated version of it. But when he said that i suddenly felt like i was hiding something from him. I felt like if he found out, he would feel lied to. Then i moved to - holy crap i hope he never finds out! He would worry to the point of ulcers, at 8! I didn't get my first ulcer until i was 12.


The fact is, they diagnosed me in 1995 and i haven't had an exacerbation since. The doctors truly believe that it was a misdiagnosis. And after Jack was born and i still didn't have another attack, they were even more certain I would be fine. I'm incredibly fortunate. But there are times that i worry it could come back. A few weeks go i had been having strange mental blocks. While i was sick the first time, it was very hard to concentrate, it was hard sometimes to think of certain words, to process and sometimes difficult to get my body to do what i wanted it to do. Nothing constant, nothing even to the point where someone who wasn't around me much would notice. But I noticed. I felt it. And i've been feeling it again.

There are many reasons for this to happen, these "brain farts". when i don't get enough sleep or when i'm overwhelmed with crap in my head. I obsess and it's hard to focus. I'm sure that's all it is. But that fear is there.

So, i'm stuck here - as moms many times are - between fear and protection modes, hoping to feel normal and strong again.

Sewer Problems in my Fair Town

Our Sunday paper had a story on the front page: Sewer overflow video posted on YouTube. Apparently this guy shot the video before letting the authorities know about it.
I did not realize our sewer system was in such bad shape, but according this guy - the one who took the video - it's a problem they're not/can't take care of. AND! There's been lots of talk of creating some sort of white water rafting...touristy thing in the river nearby. This lovely sludge that's being shat from the bowels of Bardstown is ending up right where they want to put the tourists. Not good.

Strange Happenings

As with any move, part of getting settled in your new home is learning about its sounds and smells and where the sun comes in at what times. But, beyond those, we've had some things happen that we've never experienced before.

The Living Room TV - Because Daisy the Wonder Dog is left home all alone i leave the TV on for her. Now, i realize she's not actually watching it but i thought the noise would be nice. So, i leave it on Animal Planet - of course! However, a few times I've come home to find the channel changed to Home and Garden Network. I don't know if she's getting ideas or wants me to take some hints and get started on fixing this place the way i want it. Either way, it's odd.

The Clock Radio and TV - I've had this clock radio for about 1 1/2 years now and the TV for much longer. But the two have never shared a room. Now, they are both in my bedroom. Lately, while watching the TV the clock radio suddenly comes on screaming an AM station that's not coming in very well. Each time, i turn it down and then turn it off with the remote control - yes, the clock radio has a remote control. But soon after it blares again as loud as before. Many things concern me here. Why is it coming on suddenly without my turning it on? And if it's going to do that, why won't it keep the volume down?! I finally figured out this weekend that when i press 14 (HBO) OR 47 (Nick) it causes the radio to come on...for some reason...weird...

The Latest - I was in the living room having just had another Nerf Rapid Fire battle with my son. He had gone to put them away and I was straightening up the room. I didn't see Daisy the Wonder Dog anywhere but i could hear her. She's 11 now and having problems with the slick linoleum floors. So, i was hearing that noise - the noise of her slipping on the linoleum but it was quicker...like maybe she was trying to catch something. In the past, she has been known to trap mice and bugs and try to eat them. I was curious as to what she might have trapped so i went to where i thought i heard her, in my bathroom. The light was out and I didn't see her. I would have sworn i heard her in there and there was no other linoleum she could have been sliding on. A thought occurred to me but it was slightly absurd. She'd never gotten in the bathtub before....I stepped in and moved the curtains to find my old Daisy girl, sitting in the tub panting. Apparently she'd been trying to get out. WHAT THE HELL!? I put a long towel in the tub, over the side and on to the floor. She was able to step over and get out. She's currently laying at my feet adoring me. As she should. I rescued her!