Eat Well, Teach Well

GOOD HIT!

2009-05-06T10:07:00.001-04:00

GOOD HIT! made it to third on that one!
Originally uploaded by Lollie

Hopefully with this hit and all the changes that spring brings, things will be off to a better start. There's been many false starts in the last few months, a lot of treading water and getting no where, and now i'm back in control and anxious for summer.

This is one of the first summers in a long time I have nothing huge planned. No writing camp, no trips, no house buying...just me and Jack and Daisy quietly spending the summer. I have some professional goals I need to attend to and plans to have cookouts but those are little things.

For today i have no desire to seek out love. Of course..next week that could/will change but right now i feel good about it. I'm still far too worried about needing too much and giving too much. What i need is to be comfortable and i'm not comfortable anymore.

And so, spring is our rebirth. We're setting the reset button and getting back on the path. We'll see how long it takes me to veer off again.

I had forgotten how it felt

2008-12-08T21:00:00.005-05:00

I had a dream last night. An amazing dream. A dream i have played over and over in my head all day long. I even tried to fall asleep at my desk after school hoping to start it again. It didn't happen but I still remember the feeling of that dream.
I felt loved.
It was incredible! I don't think I loved him but he loved me and wanted to be someone worthy of me and it was something i hadn't felt in so long that i didn't think it possible again.
The dream began when I was having to deliver something or go somewhere and then walked to work. I worked in a very strange, cool grocery store with other ladies about my age but i was younger than i am now. My boss was a black man who was rather strict - i don't know why.
As i'm walking to work, a guy came up to me and started talking to me. He was very tall, handsome, bald, had lots of personality and kept trying to make me laugh. At the time, in the dream, i didn't know what it was but I knew he wasn't the guy for me. I was attracted to him but he didn't seem serious enough for me, too flirty. I turned him down but he kept following me and even came into the grocery store where i worked. I stood my ground and he left.
In the dream time passed and it was shown like on a TV show or something. It showed the grocery store changing into other business adventures for the owner. I remember one being some sort of asian food restaurant. Anyway...then it changed to me in my mother's home. She was having a dinner party. When i arrived she started telling me about the people who were there but she was particularly intrigued with one guy who had talked to her for awhile. He had come with someone so my mother didn't know him. She told me about this man and his battle with alcoholism and how well he was doing and how he turned his life around and was ready to love this woman he had met a few years before. She didn't know at the time, and of course i didn't either. But when he walked in, it was the guy who had stopped me on the street and I was the woman he wanted to love.
It was the purest feeling for a man i've ever felt in my whole life. I wasn't suspicious. I wasn't worried. I was just warm and happy and willing. I had forgotten how it felt. I had forgotten what it felt like before i had been hurt. If that's what i'll find when i let my guard down i might be able to do it.

Three Coons and a Henson

2008-10-07T22:57:00.008-04:00

Three Coons and a Henson again
Originally uploaded by Lollie

This past weekend I took Jack camping for the first time. He loved it! I don't know if it was the camping experience he loved or if it was being with Kevin and the other Coons that made it so wonderful but it was wonderful nonetheless.

As summer closes, the year goes on and annual milestones come and go, I miss Karen more and more. I like to think I do stuff with the Coons because i want to help or relieve some of Kyle's load but in truth, it's all for me. I love being with the kids and Kyle and feeling somewhat connected to Karen. The past few weeks have been particularly lonely without her - going out to dinner and a movie, even if we didn't talk about anything significant, helped me to feel more solid and centered. So, i don't know if being so busy with the preparation and organization of camping and the kids made this weekend helpful to me or if hearing and seeing Karen through her kids is what made the weekend special to me. But it was, it was a good weekend.

The first night, the kids were tucked away in the tents and Kyle and I sat around the fire with the large group and talked. We were talking some about their neighbors - there's one who is particularly batty. She had recently called Kyle to complain about what another neighbor had said about her son. My first thought was - yup! just what Karen had to deal with from her. And Kyle went on to say how he didn't know what to tell her; he didn't want to get involved. And then she said that Kyle just didn't understand how difficult this summer had been without Karen. WHAT?! Yeah...Kyle politely said he had to go and hung up. I don't exactly know what she was thinking.

I don't know where i'm going with this. I don't know why in my head all of this is connected. I realize it's sometimes hard to see past your selfishness and be completely compassionate. This neighbor obviously can't. I'm wondering if it's even possible. The things we do for those grieving are so often for ourselves; it makes us feel like we're doing something. And having been on the receiving end of those gestures, it's those who are in mourning who might be the most generous and the most compassionate. They accept the help offered because they know people just need to feel like they're doing something to help. They smile politely when people say or do ridiculous things with no regard for your feelings. They write thank you notes for crappy gifts like ceramic angels with American flags and plansts sprouting out of it. Kyle's the one who, when i went through the line at the visitation, hugged me and sobbed with me and mourned with me because he knew i was going to be lost too with out Karen.

I suppose what i truly feel - and i rarely know where i'm going until i spill my guts - is a great appreciation for Kyle and his ability to allow me and Jack to visit and absorb Karen's spirit and the love and friendship that's still there.

Jack and I are very fortunate in that we will always have The Coons.

Interesting Viewing

2008-10-02T11:44:00.004-04:00

I am sad and frustrated with all this political stuff. I see all these statistics and numbers and Congress isn't doing anything WE want them to do. And now they're in the process of passing this bailout which - before the vote last night - a majority of Americans didn't want! WE DIDN'T WANT IT!

They think we're stupid - Feinstein basically said her constituents didn't know what they were talking about when they were against the bailout. 85,000 people called her to tell her not to support the bailout! That's how they, Congress, views us - as simpletons who need to be fixed by them.

You know! When i went to the bank (this past May) and told them i wanted to spend NO MORE than $130,000 on a house they told me - HECK! We'll approve you for twice that! My response was ARE YOU INSANE?! I would not have been able to eat, put gas in my car, feed the dog or buy a frickin' drink in which to drown my sorrows! What the hell were the banks thinking?

I've actually been watched CSPAN and reading the news and listening to my Talk Radio to try to understand why this is happening, what's going on and who the heck supports this crap. Americans have backed down. It's going The House. I'm sad and frustrated.

Watch the entire, long video. Very interesting.

Lou Gehrig and Family Secrets

2008-09-23T13:34:00.009-04:00

This week the third grade stresses in our household have taken the form of a reading project. Jack was to pick a story they had read in their book - any story they liked! - and do a project that required related readings for research. Jack chose the story they read about Lou Gehrig. I'm sure it piqued Jack's interest for two reasons - he played baseball and died of a horrible disease! What curious 3rd grader would pass that up! I bet Ms. Helton has no idea all the Lou Gehrig projects coming her way!

So, what to do about Lou and his life? Jack (I) decided it would be cool to do a giant baseball card. You know, picture on the front, facts/stats on the back. Isn't he brilliant? So creative... It was approved by the teacher and so we've been working on it - first over the weekend and then last night.

We were reading a book he had checked out from the library and when we came to the expected sad ending Jack turns to me and says, "I hope I never died of some weird muscle disease or anyone i know!" Don't get me wrong, the interesting coincidence had crossed my mind...my being diagnosed with MS a long time ago and Lou Gehrig dying of the accelerated version of it. But when he said that i suddenly felt like i was hiding something from him. I felt like if he found out, he would feel lied to. Then i moved to - holy crap i hope he never finds out! He would worry to the point of ulcers, at 8! I didn't get my first ulcer until i was 12.

The fact is, they diagnosed me in 1995 and i haven't had an exacerbation since. The doctors truly believe that it was a misdiagnosis. And after Jack was born and i still didn't have another attack, they were even more certain I would be fine. I'm incredibly fortunate. But there are times that i worry it could come back. A few weeks go i had been having strange mental blocks. While i was sick the first time, it was very hard to concentrate, it was hard sometimes to think of certain words, to process and sometimes difficult to get my body to do what i wanted it to do. Nothing constant, nothing even to the point where someone who wasn't around me much would notice. But I noticed. I felt it. And i've been feeling it again.

There are many reasons for this to happen, these "brain farts". when i don't get enough sleep or when i'm overwhelmed with crap in my head. I obsess and it's hard to focus. I'm sure that's all it is. But that fear is there.

So, i'm stuck here - as moms many times are - between fear and protection modes, hoping to feel normal and strong again.

Sewer Problems in my Fair Town

2008-08-31T14:46:00.003-04:00

Our Sunday paper had a story on the front page: Sewer overflow video posted on YouTube. Apparently this guy shot the video before letting the authorities know about it.
I did not realize our sewer system was in such bad shape, but according this guy - the one who took the video - it's a problem they're not/can't take care of. AND! There's been lots of talk of creating some sort of white water rafting...touristy thing in the river nearby. This lovely sludge that's being shat from the bowels of Bardstown is ending up right where they want to put the tourists. Not good.

Strange Happenings

2008-08-25T19:54:00.007-04:00

As with any move, part of getting settled in your new home is learning about its sounds and smells and where the sun comes in at what times. But, beyond those, we've had some things happen that we've never experienced before.

The Living Room TV - Because Daisy the Wonder Dog is left home all alone i leave the TV on for her. Now, i realize she's not actually watching it but i thought the noise would be nice. So, i leave it on Animal Planet - of course! However, a few times I've come home to find the channel changed to Home and Garden Network. I don't know if she's getting ideas or wants me to take some hints and get started on fixing this place the way i want it. Either way, it's odd.

The Clock Radio and TV - I've had this clock radio for about 1 1/2 years now and the TV for much longer. But the two have never shared a room. Now, they are both in my bedroom. Lately, while watching the TV the clock radio suddenly comes on screaming an AM station that's not coming in very well. Each time, i turn it down and then turn it off with the remote control - yes, the clock radio has a remote control. But soon after it blares again as loud as before. Many things concern me here. Why is it coming on suddenly without my turning it on? And if it's going to do that, why won't it keep the volume down?! I finally figured out this weekend that when i press 14 (HBO) OR 47 (Nick) it causes the radio to come on...for some reason...weird...

The Latest - I was in the living room having just had another Nerf Rapid Fire battle with my son. He had gone to put them away and I was straightening up the room. I didn't see Daisy the Wonder Dog anywhere but i could hear her. She's 11 now and having problems with the slick linoleum floors. So, i was hearing that noise - the noise of her slipping on the linoleum but it was quicker...like maybe she was trying to catch something. In the past, she has been known to trap mice and bugs and try to eat them. I was curious as to what she might have trapped so i went to where i thought i heard her, in my bathroom. The light was out and I didn't see her. I would have sworn i heard her in there and there was no other linoleum she could have been sliding on. A thought occurred to me but it was slightly absurd. She'd never gotten in the bathtub before....I stepped in and moved the curtains to find my old Daisy girl, sitting in the tub panting. Apparently she'd been trying to get out. WHAT THE HELL!? I put a long towel in the tub, over the side and on to the floor. She was able to step over and get out. She's currently laying at my feet adoring me. As she should. I rescued her!

Two Versions of the Same Amazing Story

2008-07-29T11:21:00.001-04:00

Not My Match.com

2008-07-18T22:44:00.003-04:00

Check out this guy's lead or headline, however you want to think of it:

Cat got your TONGUE??? Well tell him to stop, it's my turn!!! Ready for Fun, Romance, Laughter, all in one great Person, here I am!!!!!

What. The. Hell.

Thanks Tori and Dean!

2008-07-17T19:53:00.005-04:00

Last night, i am ashamed to say, I watched Tori and Dean. It was not a Tuesday night, i think maybe there was some television conspiracy working against me. I had it on a perfectly good made for TV movie. I was working around the house in between IM's to people i don't know and then, suddenly, the Tori and Dean show came on. AND I DIDN'T CHANGE THE CHANNEL. I don't know what was wrong with me...i don't know why i didn't turn the channel. I ended up watching two episodes! HOW COULD I?!

The truly sad thing is, i almost enjoyed it. I had my preconceived ideas about Tori and Dean - typical frivolous bratty wife and some guy - who is "Dean"? where did he come from? should i know him from somewhere? - riding the coattails of her "fame" (which, in my world, is no longer anything to speak of). But i ended up liking them! I think Dean truly loves her! He's either an amazing actor or truly sincere! I would normally be totally irritated and grossed out by them, but i wasn't! And i haven't been taking my tolerance pills regularly all summer!

So, I watched two episodes and i went to bed. THEN i had the funniest dream! I dreamt I was hanging out with Tori and Dean! Someone was with me...it was either my mom or my friend Debby - neither of which would ever watch this show! We were having a lovely conversation, we were enjoying each other for the most part and then Tori and Dean started referring to things in episodes like i'm a huge fan that has some sort of reference book of quotes and what episodes they were from! "Oh, that was from episode 23, didn't you see that one?" They thought i was a huge fan, and i'm not! So i started making fun of them.

I commented that i should start doing that in class, "Shaniqua! I told you back on day 28, September 9th to tuck that shirt in! Don't you remember?" Tori and Dean just looked at each other very confused. In my dream i really cracked myself up! I even woke up laughing.

Thanks Tori and Dean!

ok, FINE, i'm a geek - WHATEVER

2008-07-07T18:07:00.011-04:00

Cicada damage
Originally uploaded by Lollie

The other night, prior to going to our annual Moonlight Big Band Concert at the park, Debby - my young, retired science teacher friend - was so excited about cicada damage! She was telling me how her trees, when the cicadas were there, were animated with movement! They were everywhere! And they were. And it was loud. Anyway, she showed me what they do and I came home and found examples in my own yard.
GEEK!
In the picture, the cicadas did the damage on the thin end of branches. They burrow into the stem and lay their eggs. This weakens the branch. They lay the eggs on the smaller ends of branches so that this will happen! THEN, the wind comes and eventually breaks off that small - maybe 10 inches - of branch to the ground. At some point, the eggs go into the ground and 17 years later - MORE CICADAS!
I have to admit, it IS pretty remarkable. The bigger stick on the left was just a broken one from my yard - I have lots - but i also have these splintered one from the cicadas. What a fantastic and delicate process! it's so much easier for human to procreate! Why is that? They take 17 years to live a few weeks and we take 9 months to live 70 years! And they have to count on the branch breaking, falling to the ground, getting into the ground to come to life! That would have never flown at my house growing up - if there's a branch on the ground, by God it will be picked up, put in the wheel barrel and carted away! That was dad's law! And yet the cicadas survive and come back, every 17 years.
It's a powerful process. Mother nature is a powerful thing.
I was listening to the Dennis Miller Show - have you every tried that? Hard to drive and comprehend, let me tell ya! Well, i was waiting for some carry out and was listening - because, seriously, you don't try to drive and actually listen to the cat - and he was talking to musician Ted Nugent. As you probably know, they are both Republicans. So, Dennis asked Ted about Global Warming and his take on it. My ears perked up - I'm fascinated with this debate - and he said something that really hit me. He said that when Mount St. Helen erupted it put off more pollution, crap and heat than humans could ever do. HUH?? Really!? He might have said, "could ever do in 10 years" or whatever, but still. I had no idea that this volcanic eruption that didn't produce a lava flow but clouds of smoke and ash, put off more than us horrible horrible humans did. And then he said, basically, God and Mother Nature are far too powerful for us to completely change the destiny and outcome of this planet. Who the heck do we think we are!? I'm paraphrasing there...but that was the idea. He wasn't saying this global warning thing is a bunch of crap, he's saying that it's not as scary as some would have you believe.

I must say, after this cicada experience, i'm leaning toward that way of thinking. We are very very small.

All are but parts of one stupendous whole, Whose body Nature is, and God the soul. - Alexander Pope

Jack and Denial

2008-07-06T10:13:00.002-04:00

Jack at the zoo
Originally uploaded by Lollie

As he gets older i become more and more amazed by him. His sense of humor is wonderfully developed. He's intelligent. He's fairly responsible. I look at him in amazement sometimes and wonder how the heck he got that way. I then, of course, discount any credit to his father and step-mother. I mean, surely! They don't see him enough to have any sort of impact. At least that's what I tell myself because - of course - that means, all I do and expose him to has created this astounding creature.
Yes...it's me, allll me.
But I remind myself regularly that even though i am FAN-FRICKIN'-TASTIC, they're all just "borrowed children" as George Ella Lyon and Laurie Lindberg (Jessie's mom who is an English Professor) say. He was given to The Ass and me to mold into something great. And by some coincedence he's turning out ok. He has lapses in judgement - the other day he broke the leg on a stool that was my grandmothers. No big deal, it's actually something I could fix. But he didn't tell me. And in my mind i perceived it as his avoiding conflict and responsibility and that leads to (in my head, now) DAMMIT! That's just like your father! You know? If your father had just faced some frickin' reality all this crap could have been avoided long ago.
All that happens in a flash and I don't even have a milli-second of slippage. It may be accurate but it's wrong..so wrong. He's 8. All I should do is make him confident and secure in knowing that he can come to me with anything - good or bad.
Does anyone else have all this crap going on in their head? You know...there's medicine for this...

:: Schmap Memphis for the iPhone

2008-07-05T10:07:00.003-04:00

I was asked a few months ago if they could use this picture on their travel website. how cool is that?? I said SURE! of course! And then i received this email today, letting me know the status of the photo. Very kind of Schmap.

Jim Neely's Interstate Bar-B-Q
Originally uploaded by Lollie

Hi Laurie,

Earlier this year, you kindly gave us permission to include
your credited photo in our Schmap Memphis Guide.

This is just a quick note to let you know that Schmap
Guides have now been released for the iPhone and iPod
touch.

Your photo in the iPhone version of our Schmap Memphis
Guide is at:
http://www.schmap.com/?m=iphone#uid=memphis&sid=restaurants_memphis&p=77552&i=77552_7

(If you are using a desktop computer, this link will show
you exactly how your photo is displayed and credited in the
iPhone version of our guide.)

Best regards,
Emma

Emma Williams
Managing Editor, Schmap Guides

No time / Too much time

2008-06-30T17:30:00.009-04:00

I've been very busy with the house and the child and the mother...driving here, there and everywhere. And yet, as i feared, i still have time to think about the guy. I've been on dates - somewhere between a few and several. None worth talking about really. They aren't that interested in me; i'm not that interested in them...and then my mind goes back to him. And i hate it.

It was only a year and a half of dating. And I remind myself daily of the things he said to his friend on that chat about me. I remind myself daily about the pictures of her he requested and the ones he received from another ex. I do this to keep it fresh in my mind as to why i should not call. I should not write. I should not contact. NO NO NO And yet i want to so badly. Then an opportunity came.

Sadly, his uncle passed and he emailed me to let me know. Now, when my uncle passed a few months ago and i went to him - i got nothing. But knowing how that hurt ME i didn't want to hurt him. What is WRONG with me?! Anyway...i sent flowers to the family, not just him, the family. Jack and I went to the funeral home for visitation but not the funeral. it was all very enlightening into his character and how incredibly selfish/self-centered he is. It became very clear through our discussion that day and on the phone that night exactly how he protects himself from getting hurt, how he pushes me away and keeps me out. I thought all this perspective and knowledge would help. It did, for a few days. But the urges come back. The want for someone to love me comes back.

In moving you discover forgotten things. I found some old music i'd loved pre-divorce time. I put it on the iPod to play in the car. Jack isn't too jazzed about it but i'm enjoying it. Dixie Chicks, some Billy Joel and Garth Brooks. The music is from so long ago in my life that when i listen to it, it brings back so many wonderful good memories. Memories with the Ass, with my dad, with friends who are gone for one reason or another... One song in particular struck me - struck me again i should say. I've always loved it and identified with it but I'd forgotten about it. And now it's back in my life, applicable again. Dammit.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

And So the Family Grows

2008-06-29T22:22:00.003-04:00

For the past few weeks my cousin and his wife are in China adopting their third child. Amazing! This one is a boy - Lei, who they will call Paul.
I just had dinner at my mom's where the other two children where - the girls, Audrey and Rachel. They are so beautiful and so smart. And they're good! Alex and Michelle are doing such a great job raising their children - the girls have strict boundaries but still have outgoing, fun personalities.
Anyway, their journey to Lei has been...challenging. Lei is already 5 and is very attached to the adults and children at the orphanage. I found out tonight that Michelle keeps up a blog on them and has been posting during their trip. Enjoy!

Discovering

2008-06-25T23:24:00.009-04:00

I hope everyone has a friend like my friend Paula. She is a force! I've known Paula since college - we went the University of Kentucky middle school program together. Since we're both math certified, we had methods classes together. And i remember being so concerned about her back then. She was late for classes. She always seemed thrown together and a bit frazzled. But at the same time she was always...right. Paula may have appeared off her game but she never was...and she never is.

After college we ended up at the same middle school where we became close friends. She taught special education classes - mostly a self-contained room - while she was there. We were already working with a pretty tough population and then she had the special needs kids? She was simply incredible.

I had to leave our middle school and she eventually changed schools and was able to teach math to regular ed students all day long. She soon achieved National Board Certification and was later promoted to some sort of curriculum coach position at her school. I assume to make her life more interesting, she took on the responsibility of a foreign exchange student.

A few months ago Paula emailed and informed me she would be heading to Guatemala. No, not to adopt a child. To hike and live for a month in order to learn the Spanish language. WHAT THE HELL? She started a blog so her family and friends could keep up with her. How does she do this? How does she take on these challenges with so much courage? She dazzles me sometimes.

Jack's 8th Birthday

2008-06-25T23:21:00.001-04:00

team and trophies
Originally uploaded by Lollie

On Jack's 8th birthday we had a full day of celebration. We picked up Lamar and took him with us to Gatti-Land. Then, that afternoon Jack's baseball team played in the championship. They didn't win - we didn't expect to. The other team has a kindergartner that can hit homeruns! Anyway, he ended the day with a trophy. Can't beat that for a birthday.

The Moon and The Keeper

2008-05-24T11:43:00.003-04:00

I was just emailed this website - from a friend who was researching how to pack light for her trip to Central or South America - for menstrual cups. Yes. As in menstruation, as in period, as in blood catching cup. Gross.

INTRODUCING THE MOON CUP®,identical to The Keeper but made from medical-grade silicone, for all women, but especially for those with an allergy to latex rubber.
Simple to use, both The Moon Cup and The Keeper are innovative feminine hygiene products that are worn internally, freeing women from dependency on cumbersome, uncomfortable, expensive, paper-based products. Economical, efficient, comfortable, and environment-friendly, reusable menstrual cups are attractive alternatives to other feminine hygiene products. Made by a woman for women, The Keeper (natural gum rubber) and The Moon Cup (medical grade silicone) are both FDA-approved and the only menstrual cups made in America.

Before i read the description and explanation, i thought it was some sort of plunger. But no. You just insert it and wear it around!

I'm ashamed to say, that i'm curious! Not that i would use one, i just want to see a one...preferably a very new one, fresh out of the box, never used.

A Little Teacher Humor...

2008-05-22T17:48:00.001-04:00

Top 10 ways to know you are ready for school to end:

10. You are so tired, you now want to answer students' questions with "shutup"

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been and you immediately scream "Stop asking me all these questions."

8. Your garbage can is now your "INBOX"

7. The next kid who asks you for a pencil is going to hear "Don't you ever have anything? Do you see WalMart tattooed on my forehead?"

6. You fantasize about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now!

5. Your recess jumps from 15 minutes to 45 minutes.

4. The only thing in your classroom to eat is chocolate with a soda chaser.

3. Math lesson consists of "calculate how many days we have left, hours, minutes, no wait, seconds..."

2. You find yourself saying "This is May, you should know the rules by now" way too many times a day.

1. You start turning the teachers of the next grade level into big scary monsters who "will NOT accept this kind of behavior at all next year!"

Mother Knows Best

2008-05-20T23:00:00.009-04:00

I don't know if it's because i'm off "the pill" (my doctor said that at 38 i'm too old!) or if i'm truly sad but I've been down and out for the past several days. I'm under more stress than i care to recognize. I'm buying a house, for goodness sake! And i'm all alone! ALONE! NO NET! I'm buying a house?! What the hell am i doing?

I don't know. I've just felt very alone and sad as of late and i hate it. I'm buying a house - all by myself. I go to baseball games and practice - all by myself. I have to move myself out of this house, which i managed fill up, in order to move into a smaller house - all by myself.

I went to get a tooth pulled. The oral surgeon was having trouble getting my mouth numb because there was so much infection. He said that he might have to put me to sleep after all - i was going to be brave and just have novocain! But i had no one to drive me home - not just no one there to drive me home, i had no one to call! Again - all by myself! I'm sitting in the dentist chair thinking about this...thinking of who i could possibly call if i needed someone and everyone i could think of was gone or busy! What the hell?!

I didn't really know what was wrong with me until my mother said something to me the other day. I had mentioned to her that i was a bit worried about everything - moving, end of school, getting all the crap out of the house, running around with Jack and such. Just more than usual with the move and all. And she said, "Ok. I'm going to send you some money." I, of course, tried to stop her. it's not money that I was upset about. But she went on to say, "...I've always had someone there beside me telling me everything would be fine. You don't have that and i don't want you think for a minute that you can't do this. You can." It was at that point i broke down and cried. A lot. How does she do that? How does she know before me what's wrong? Will i be like that with Jack? And why does money not have anything to do with it and yet, really does make me feel better?

I think about this house buying experience and the house buying experience i had with the Ass back in 1997. Eleven years ago. And it's so different. I've tried to get excited and plan what i'll want to do once i'm in. I picture myself sitting out on the deck enjoying by backyard. Mom and I talk about it and look through magazines to get ideas of what to do. But there's no one i'm really sharing this with. It's not that there's no one there to share the responsibility - i can handle that - it's the fact that there's no one with me to get excited. There's no one beside me to talk to about any of it! I think about the first night i'll spend in the house, and i should be excited but it just makes me scared.

I wish all of this could come to some great, inspirational conclusion but it's not...at least not yet. I'm going to continue to try to think happy thoughts, try to get some sleep and empty that dirty basement one nasty box at a time. And remind myself to take deep breaths and just chill. And maybe...just maybe...when Jack is with his father this weekend and all the yard work and moving is done for a day, and i'm home alone enjoying a break from everything...I'll take one of those vicadins the dentist gave me and truly relax.

Look what i did...

2008-05-13T18:08:00.003-04:00

You hear about those dating scams...a guy woos a girl online. He's suddenly in Nigeria for some reason and needs money. He supposedly sends a check for her to cash...i'm not exactly sure how it goes.

Anyway, this guy Kennedy Martins was supposedly from LaGrange, Kentucky. He gave me a name of a company he supposedly worked for. He went on and on about how wonderful I was and how he felt he had met his partner in life. And he realized this all in about two days - from a few emails and my eHarmony profile. RIGHT. So, when he had to go to Nigeria for business and take his son - he's a widow, you know. OH and he's from the UK! It was quite a backgroud story. His wife had died in a car accident five years ago on her way back from a visit with a friend in Maryland....or was it Maine....

I let it go on for quite some time and got some lovely flowers out of it! He had flowers delivered to me! Insane. But, hey folks, you gotta spend money to scam money.

I had my opportunity to make sure it was all fake - at heart i want to believe people, especially men, but really...there's no cause for such stupidity. I made up a story about a school bus crash - there happened to be two yesterday which aided my story. I told him one was from an elementary school in LaGrange and asked him what school his son went to. I said there were serious injuries and he might want to prepare his son for their return next week. There was a long silence on Yahoo that afternoon...was he looking up an elementary school to tell me? Was he actually busy doing something? Was he consulting the other evil doers? He gave me a name - LaGrange Park School. *BUZZ* WRONG ANSWER. No such beast in the state of Kentucky, sorry.

I quickly informed eHarmony of my discovery, urged them to tell his other matches and soon received this letter:

Dear eHarmony Friend,
Making your eHarmony experience safe and successful is important to us. As a past or present user, we want to inform you that eHarmony has taken action to remove one of your matches, Kennedy from LA GRANGE, from the eHarmony.com service. This decision was made in accordance with our terms and conditions.
Consistent with our privacy policy, we do not disclose the specific reasons for this person’s removal. eHarmony.com disclaims any responsibility or liability with respect to any continued involvement between you and any person whose account is closed by eHarmony.com. Please visit the links below for further information on our privacy policy, and to obtain safety tips on corresponding with matches.

Maybe i have more of my father in me than i realize. I LOVE letting people dig their hole deeper and deeper. I knew it was a scam from the beginning! But i held on to get more crap against him and then - when he thought he had ME - i got him. I love it.

First date

2008-05-12T00:07:00.002-04:00

First date
Originally uploaded by Lollie

Saturday night was my first date since the break up. It was fine. It was comfortable. We went to the coolest place i've ever been to in Louisville - 21 C. It's hotel but on the first floor and below there's unusual pieces of art. There was a video of a couple sleeping projected on the floor at the entry. It was very cool. The pieces were really interesting.
Everything went really well. We ended up at a bar - Hotel - downtown and it was not what i expected! It had funky dance music playing and there were booths to sit in with TVs. On the TV's was a loop of - what i suppose to be - the hottest R-rated sex scenes from movies. Guy on girl, girl on girl. Very bizarre. We had a drink and left.
When i decided i should go home - i was very tired - he walked me to my car. I offered to take him to his car.
By this time, i knew he wasn't someone who was really interested in *me* he was out to "have fun". It took me an hour to get him out of the car. AN HOUR! It wasn't a battle for an hour or anything...just a lot of trying to convince me to go here or there and a lot of my saying no, i gotta go, no i'm tired, no, no, no...
Maybe i just suck at dating. You know, i'm a good cook, pretty good teacher, a fine mother but dating - just not my thing. I have some sort of signal emitting from me that insensitive, selfish men pick up on.
Time for another break, maybe...

my beautiful mailbox

2008-04-24T22:07:00.002-04:00

my beautiful mailbox
Originally uploaded by Lollie

I braved the traffic and the snakes to scrub, scrape and paint the wrought iron stand. THEN I screwed lovely numbers into this new shiny, mailbox, attached a piece of treated wood to the stand, attached the mailbox to the wood and VIOLA! A NEW LOVELY MAILBOX WITH A RED FLAG THAT WORKS! go me!

It's a small thing but i had grander plans of taking this stand down and putting in a new one. I bought a nice metal post to pound into the ground. I eventually realized that the current stand was in concrete! I thought i'd deal with that later. I began to install the new post! While pounding it into the ground with my new short-handled sledge hammer; it began to split! METAL SPLITS?! So, i returned that post to Lowe's - cursed Lowe's! - and decided on plan "B" of revitalizing the current post.

On a side note...did anyone notice my lovely daffodils along the ditch?! They were beautiful this spring.

Why do i bother...

2008-04-06T23:04:00.006-04:00

I've tried a few dating sites but to no avail. I'm not interested in anyone and they aren't interested in me...But i have been entertained a time or two! Here are some of the profiles i found in my quest...

(All misspellings are their own)
very fub loving mouse. looking for minnie to share disneyland together.in need of your hand to help pull my existance into the life,been down many roads of life.want to find out more.jump on my magic carpet and show me your magic

His majic carpet? Creepy and disgusting...

When asked what this guy was most passionate about he said...

...Fulfilling my purpose, which primarily entails searching for beauty and design in the world and communicating it to others. I find design most in nature and the way people connect. My purpose also involves helping others reach their potential. I try to listen and use intuition before sharing insight. I ask, coach and encourage rather than tell and dominate. I love my children and they drive a lot of my economics and work ethic. I love to write and am growing in that ability.

Here's a charmer...

...There are times when I can be moody and introspective That's why I need and want someone who can challenge me. I want and need to be challenged intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. If I don't receive stimulation in these areas I tend to get bored, lazy and complacent. I don't even like myself when get like that.

This one is only looking for "athletic" or "toned" body shapes...those ain't me...

Have you ever dressed to the nines to go play putt putt...danced in the moonlight or the rain...truly entrusted the keys to your heart with another...ridden a roller coaster while blindfolded...sung in the car because you thought no one could see you (we can:) )...wondered whether diamonds naturally sparkle or simply radiate the beauty of the wearer...rooted for the indians despite knowing the cavalry would win...seen the city from the top of the suspension bridge...felt the tingle run up your spine as two hands massage you from head to toe...wondered whether a falling tree really does make sound if no one is around to hear...considered that the magic and mystery of God can be found in watching a child sleep......wondered whether we would find each other...

*puke*

Here's a weird beginning...

i'm divorced from a very attractive woman...

This guy had sideburns and was dressed like the old Elvis...

...my match should be fit & slender Honest and good hearted I likesome one that takes good care of there self, nice hands and feetare a big plus... I take good care of my appearance and need some one who also does the same... I like eating out and a good movie staying up late and talking to each other making love and a nice glass of red wine

I don't know why i look...my heart isn't in it.

Being Self-Sufficient Sucks

2008-04-06T20:32:00.006-04:00

This, of course, is not my hand. I found this picture today when i was researching snake repellents. It's going to be a representation of the snakes i saw today. yes...snakeS. The first one jumped in the air when i came across it in my peony garden. Little shit. The second one - a little bigger than this one pictured - let his presence be known when i was about to dump some water from my slightly flooded basement.

Yes, my basement is slightly flooded. That means there are parts that have about an inch of water. My sump pump is not pumping! It's a very old pump and it was completely submerged. I used a wet vac and sucked up buckets (5 gallon buckets) and buckets of water until the pump was no longer underwater. I had unplugged it but when i plugged it back in, it gurgled, bubbled and then started smoking. SMOKING?! CRAP! it didn't SMELL like smoke but it looked like smoke. I unplugged it again and gave up. Later i wondered if it was steam...? does that sounds insane? could the insides be drying off and letting off steam from being submerged? Regardless...i'm not plugging it back in. dang it.

It's times like these that i just want someone else to help me...even if it's just someone to bitch to! It sucks. I mean, when i saw the snakes - could i run in and vent to someone? No, if i said anything to Jack he would be petrified to go outside. It's little things...small daily things like that which remind me that while i'm self-sufficient i'm not completely independent.